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leavesofthree

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The DAY that I posted my last entry was the day my laptop decided "fuck you, fuck inktober, fuck it all m8" and just decided to be slower than the snail from Monsters University. Nothing was working. I asked my friend to take a look at it and he actually had to take it home after an hour and a half of fucking with it. Swear to god if that dude gets it working I'm treating him to soooo much Waffle House. Thank the gods I don't have to pay ninety bucks for some geek squad person to fuck with it. So my laptop being a little bitch really took the wind outta my sails for inktober. Gonna have to do some catching up this weekend after I get my computer back and get everything back the way it should be. Oughta be getting it tomorrow. Hopefully it's in working order. Hopefully.
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shrug

3 min read
Happy October 2/3rd depending on where you are. Shit's changed a bit in the past, what, 5-6 months? I started a new job and with all the physical labor I am starving all the time. Going from barely the equivalent of a meal a day to three meals and an extra late-night dinner in the span of a few days is a weird change. Along with having a sleep schedule that isn't "sleep a few hours, stay awake a few hours" and is instead "wake up in the morning, stay awake all day, get a quick nap, then go to bed around midnight". Being an adult is a weird experience.

But I'm enjoying work and being productive and helping people. I like my coworkers and working space and the store is really bad for my wallet so it's a good thing I'm broke right now. I'm bruised to shit since I keep bumping into things.

Mainly been playing Overwatch. Friend lent me a copy of Persona 5 and got a few hours in before my depression decided that "no games that have story; only Overwatch!!!". At least I get so much practice in that I became that Tracer that everyone (including me) hates, and the Mercy that everyone votes for during the card screen.

I have a DND group and will be having our first session Friday or Saturday. It's all I've been thinking about the last few days. My other DM is being a pain and taking forever writing ours (last session was almost two years ago my dude! WTF!) so I'm glad I have a group finally. I drew my character, both nude and in her outfit, and will color the latter eventually. I've been focusing more on Inktober.

Yeah Inktober (or for me, Spooktober) is a thing. I have days 1 and 2 done. The first is rushed to all hell and the second actually has some effort put in. I hope that I can get something better done tomorrow. I also hope I'm not in horrendous pain from period cramps and running around the store stocking. With luck I'll feel motivated enough to ink some really old sketches in my sketchbooks. There's some pretty dang good stuff in there, if I do say so myself. I never date them so I'll have to approximate? Some is as old as two or three years. These will all be phone pics because my scanner is downstairs and I really don't feel like running down and scanning. I'll just touch the pics up in photoshop or something.

Anyway same old shit, see y'all whenever. Wanna get 1 and 2 posted tomorrow because right now I need to hit the hay. Later, gators.
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hi

2 min read
I check this site multiple times a day and haven't posted any art or whatever in over a year. I still draw, I just don't finish anything. BUT! I'm gonna finish a thing! I drew and inked a thing! I'm gonna color it! I swear to god. I draw every heckin' day and don't finish a got-damn thing. Is it depression, or me being lazy, or just plain anxiety? Probably all of the above.

I've mainly been drawing my DnD oc, who has yet to be in a game because our dm is taking forever to write for the campaign. I have a bunch of stuff from over the past two-ish years on my computer I've been dumping on this site called minds.com and, while the site is meh, I can use it to put all my old shit and not feel like people are actually looking at it. Anxiety attacks averted! Twitter is too Big, tumblr was a failed experiment, and I only like posting finished stuff her. WIPs and stuff that'll never be finished will be posted here (TheLastBearEnder bc I can't fucking talk in PS4 party chat and Strong Independent Teenage Dirtbag because I'm twenty and irony!) and it's for storing purposes. It'll be a cold day in hell before I leave dA, as many problems as this place has. I like drawing, I like writing, I just don't finish shit.

I'm currently in purgatory life-wise, in multiple ways! It's not fun and nothing is set in stone and everything is up in the air and I have no idea what's gonna happen in the next few months. Shit, tomorrow could be a life-changer. If I ever Get Good, I want to do a graphic novel about my adventures living all over the country called Adventures of the Modern American Nomad as a memoir type thing. Names will have to be changed to protect the innocent, naturally.

Current obsessions: Zelda (Breath of the Wild), Mass Effect Andromeda, Critical Role, my amazing niece who got her first tooth holy shit they grow up so fast

Until next entry
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A look back

6 min read
Considering I'll be turning 20 in less than a month, I found it appropriate to go through all my old shit and see what's changed and what hasn't. I've had this account for a long time and my growth as an artist and writer is interesting to look at. I look at the dates of submissions and consider what Young Me was going through at that time, my thought process, etc. I'm not gonna do a "art by year" thing because I'm crap at editing and always will be, but I want to see how I've changed.

Ever since I was tiny, I've been creating. My mind has always been full to bursting with ideas and considering the volume and concentration of them, it's impossible to get all of them down on paper. 99 percent of the time they get lost in the ether. Lately I have been writing things down and thank god for that. I remember my first really big set of submissions from the time there was a giant migration of robins in the mid-winter of my childhood. I spent hours looking at them, getting photos with my tiny 2005 digital camera with the 1x1.5 inch screen. I titled them lovingly and didn't care (that much) about hits or whatever. That day was so fucking magical, I will never forget it.

Gaia Online was a really big one that got me into consistent art-making. Drawing my and my friends' avatars and making little comics, submitting some of them and keeping the others for myself. It helped me improve. I made so many friends during that time. I became really, really good at creating outfits out of what I had. Color coordination, outfits that tell stories, buying and selling in the marketplace for items that completed a certain ensemble. I drew them with fervor and learned how to draw things because they were in outfits that me and my friends had. I rarely did commissions but when I did, I did them with heart and dedication.

As time went on, I grew out of Gaia and went on to cartoons like Ben 10 and Generator Rex. I started writing fanfiction that is pretty much all in storage or deleted as of now. I made more friends, some that have outgrown those interests but stood the test of time. My big foray into the world of writing. I refer to hate on Young Me's stuff. I was young and still learning how to write. Without that, I wouldn't have grown into the person I am today. I'm not releasing them from the vault but I'm not deleting them either. They mean too much. Ava or Ada or whatever the crap your name was, Harmony and Melody, Lorinda, Spectrumdite, all you folks helped me out.

Young Justice was gigantic. I can't remember how many fics I wrote for that damn show. I had so many OCs. I met my best friend through it. Despite its abysmal second season, I loved the crap out of that show. Young Me RPed and wrote and drew (mostly wrote) and had the time of her life. I made mistakes, my stuff wasn't good, but I enjoyed myself and loved being part of such a giant community. Young Me had fun with Naga and all the other characters I spun out of nowhere. I don't regret a second of it. With a third season in production, I don't know if I'll hop back onto that bandwagon, but if the writing improves, I may jump in with some new characters.

Alongside Young Justice, Monster High was eking its way into my life. Soon I was drawing and designing other characters. It was a perfect setting for making your own monsters and outfits. I wrote fanfiction and my own diary entries for my monsters. My stuff is still around. It feels like forever ago. It was both a blessing and a curse. I flexed my creative muscles in developing characters and outfits but lord I am still trying to get away from the MH body. I need proper human proportions back, not the stick-thin/big-headed girls I drew.

Then Ever After High came out and I fell in love. My interest in MH waned a bit and I found my calling in fairy tales. This wasn't even that long ago! I feel like it was a lifetime but my most recent drawing was less than a year ago (and it was my most recent drawing period. shit I need to get back to it). When Mattel's contract with Disney disappeared, the quality of the dolls did too. They're doing their best, but god help them, molded tights and less-complicated outfits? Really? And now Monster High's reboot? Mattel, give me a break, please.

My most recent loves have been Dragon Age and Mass Effect because Bioware has me by the neck and I keep throwing money at them. As exasperating as they can be, I will still pre-order Andromeda in a few months because it will no doubt be delayed. Again. I don't really have anything for either except for drawings and our printer/scanner is fucked so haaaaahaha there goes that. I still draw but I can't submit anything because of our old-ass printer biting the dust and not having an alternative. Like hell I'm using my camera.

I know I forgot to mention Steven Universe but I've been with that since day one and the only thing I've contributed is my and my friend's gemsonas. Nothing noteworthy.

I guess this giant flashback is meant to help me see how much I've grown as a person and a creator. Interests change and so do I. I want to learn and grow and become a better person. I won't think less of Young Me because Young Me was still growing. I'm still growing. Older Me will see Current Me as Young Me. I won't hate myself. I'll shield some of my crappier things because they aren't up to my ridiculously high standards but I won't pretend I became what I am overnight. For all its faults, this site does help chronicle a creator's journey. I like seeing the things I made and I'll continue to make more. Most probably won't see the light of day here because I hardly ever finish anything and I don't post sketches unless I really like them. Whatever happens in this crazy life of ours, the point of this thing is that: we never stop growing or learning. Everything is an experience. Try not to put your past or current self down for not getting it right immediately. I have and still do, despite my best efforts.

tl;dr I grew a lot and we all will. Life is like a box of chocolates: the piece of paper showing which ones are which flavor gets accidentally thrown away and you end up biting into coconut instead of nougat.
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Don't kill yourselves. Please. I'm begging any of you considering hurting yourselves over this: don't. There will be so many more elections in our life. We can change things. Nothing is worth hurting yourself over. We must keep the hope. LGBT rights, Roe v Wade, etc, are all Supreme Court decisions and it would be overturning the Constitution to go back on them. It won't happen.

I'm going to preface this with I am so monumentally furious, upset, and awestruck about what all of you no doubt know about the 2016 presidential election. I hate living among a bunch of sexist, racist, homophobic monsters that voted this fuck into office. I will say, however, that we shall overcome. The Senate, Supreme Court, and Congress, among other branches of government, will not allow the shit he's going to try. This man has no idea how to run a country. A lot of people are angry. Impeachment is, hopefully, imminent, considering the cornucopia of lawsuits against him and the fact that there are so many checks and balances in place to prevent the shit that just happened happened (his false promises, his disgusting ideas, his cruel and terrible... shit. It's hard to be concise right now.)

In other news (I know, I know, hell's bells it's hard to keep calm right now): Young Justice, one of my great loves, is coming back for a third season. I don't know how to feel about this. The writing of season two was dark, the characters had perfect 180 heel turns (OOC out the wazoo), none of anything made sense. But I still had hope for a better future. I thought things would get better. With the series cancellation, I lost that hope. It... might be back? I'm tired. GLTAS passed under the radar without a single thought towards it. It's hard seeing all these journalists talking about how "great it [YJ] was" and "what a crime it was for it to be cancelled" when we, the fanbase behind the show, campaigned relentlessly to save it. They weren't there. They weren't tweeting in the early hours with a different tag every week. We begged the network to reconsider, we sent emails to retailers across the country to carry the toys WB and CN so desperately wanted, and God knows we tried. I'm still so bitter about that. But Young Justice is back and it is bittersweet. My heart is heavy with so many things. Is it an N7 Day miracle? Who the fuck knows.

Keep the faith, guys. I know it's hard. We are all tired of being positive. I can't ask you to give any more of what you already have. All I can say is this: don't hurt yourselves. Please.
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